The seats we sat on,
mine precariously, cross-legged but not comfortably,
balancing the weight of something both new and nostalgic,
the way you took off your denim jacket,
the way you fidget with your wristbands out of habit.
The cups we drank from,
yours plastic, mine ceramic.
I think they sensed the flush from our skin
when the ice in yours melted,
no attention paid to how they tasted.
We all knew, me and you didn’t show up for the coffee.
The ground we walked on,
mindless pacing yet purposeful.
Were our steps in time,
following the trail of crumbs through our past lives?
I’ll mark each stop with a cross,
treasuring the map that sends us round and round in buried circles.
I am still not accustomed
to being wanted for my company,
so used to hosting men
in my bed and this body,
the universe expanding
as somehow my space becomes erased.
To be asked what brings me pleasure
should be so everyday.
I may not be convinced of my beauty yet
but I can believe that I am safe,
even as my deepening breath
begs for armour
or out of habit, sleep hesitates,
both waiting up for the decision my heart makes
to trust the hands that hold me.
lay down the weight which you carry,
nobody is owed the heaviness of your soul
and there are other ways to find justice
without holding on to the hard places.
this burden of proof doesn’t belong
to the heart that knows the truth,
whose body shattered into pieces
reflecting someone else’s shame.
name what hurts and let it be,
these wounds may be deep
but do not silence their screaming,
they were never the enemy.
who said you have to do this alone,
healing comes collectively, like a universal truth
and love, it’s time to come home.
You’ve been gone long enough.
by the words I can add up on my fingers,
hand to heart co-ordinating my pen to write
of your absent mind
whilst my mouth holds back lines,
sentences strung from the day’s reminders of you.
love has something to do with it
but now is neither the time nor the place
to submit to measured spirits,
I’ve always drunk till contented
and even one can be too much for me.
So I sip today slowly,
stall my letters, keep them short,
the score only matters to those playing the game
and I am no one’s to gain.
I race with the softest of movements,
choices so silent I could slip away.
This empty hotel room
senses the lack of you,
scent lingering on sunken pillows
smells bittersweet, blended with jealousy
as my heart bottles this moment,
cap screwed on tight
in an effort to capture perfection
before it leaves on a plane.
I belong to the longing
and gather what stays,
your tiny imprints and easy mornings,
how you take your coffee,
the fit of your arm
as it curls around my waist.
Time’s precious reminder to stay present,
so I’ll take one of everything you sell
and make each bite last
until the market stalls open
with even more of this good for sale.
Today I’ll sit right in the middle of it,
in the thick, dense, lush bustle of love.
It does not do me any good
to exist on the periphery of this one.
Feel the pulse of my heart beat
as it runs through your finger tips
and turns your lips the richest mix
of red and pink. Forget all future things;
now is for sinking into our spirits,
the way yours sparkles through your eyes
and I’ve lost all doubt in universal signs,
spellbound in this spotlight for as long as it shines.
You’ve conjured up an aura that preoccupies my mind
with fascination for how the chapters in our stories
might use the time these bodies
find themselves writing the same lines
on the same side of the page.
The human heart
in search of a hand
that will hold it when the ache starts,
sharp bursts that break apart
our cold exteriors, tearing a hole
through calm atmospheres.
Craving someone else just to be here
to hear us shatter
and understand our cracks in the pavement,
how we fall through the gaps out of fear
of losing something worth saving for later.
Clinging onto the bruises that might matter
as if they are clues mapped out on skin.
Wearing ourselves thin,
instinct starving by the second,
till we can’t tell where the road ends
and the souls of our feet begin.