Élan Vital

Élan Vital

Is it up to the universe

to bring about the circumstances

that present me with the conditions to thrive?

Is it not equally up to me

to live out my innermost hopes

and present myself to the circumstances?

Self-assured this armour keeps me safe

it cushions not the fall

from every failed pursuit towards freedom.

Shackled to this psyche;

I

weigh

me

down.

On a Bad Day

On a Bad Day

On a bad day

I cry on the way to work

because today I would rather be so invisible

even I can’t see me when I look in the mirror

On a bad day

I cry on the way home

cancel my evening plans

spend hours staring into space

because I have to play pretend again tomorrow

On a bad day

being in my body feels so intolerable

I would rather starve it till it disappeared

and shrinks the darkness inside

On a bad day

I push away the ones who care for me

so they don’t see what I see

and hate me for it too

On a bad day

I doubt you love me

because even I don’t feel capable of loving myself

On a bad day

the idea of your touch

makes me shrink, makes me sick

because who would want to touch a thing like this

On a good day

I’ll rewrite this poem

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