‘Maybe you should take a nap’
hoping it will confine your sadness
to just one room of the house
or how with your sleep
we find temporary peace.
You wonder how
I can spend so long
lying in the bath.
It’s the only door with a lock on.
Sometimes it’s my only escape.
If rooms had porous walls,
like a sponge
I’d beg them to soak up all your melancholy,
let it trickle out to the ground
and water seeds
who will blossom in its memory.
If it were mine,
I would give the sun to watch you glow,
because I’d rather live in darkness
my whole life
if it would just keep you warm.
Is it up to the universe
to bring about the circumstances
that present me with the conditions to thrive?
Is it not equally up to me
to live out my innermost hopes
and present myself to the circumstances?
Self-assured this armour keeps me safe
it cushions not the fall
from every failed pursuit towards freedom.
Shackled to this psyche;
I escaped hell nine years ago
no matter the time passed
I persistently dream of living in its depths.
how hard I fight
to make this house my home.
Most of you aren’t real
but notions of a false existence
who try to convince me
is not who I want to be.
How can I not but fail
when me is all that I am?
Some of you have names.
You are real people
who wreaked such evil on my spirit
a part of you died
and stays, rotting inside me.
Some of you I have wished were real
and you are the worst kind
because you persuaded me I couldn’t do better
than your lies and deceit.
And don’t we all want to believe in a place of safety?
But this is the inception
of the war I will fight to the death;
for I choose the life well lived
with people who love me
over the vast dark emptiness
echoing in the spaces you tempt me to reside,
you’ve tested my conviction but I’ve decided where it lies,
I refuse to play to your games.
So lose your own race
lift your own weights
this is your exorcism.