Dear my demons,
it’s me again
just a quick note
as since we last spoke
I’ve done some more thinking
and I’ve come to see
that the one blocking
the door to your exit
is me.
See, I’ve left it wide open
but inside my head
is a maze
that I built
in the hope
to avoid your gazes
but instead
of keeping me safe
we’re both lost in here too,
stubbornly refusing to move.
And I’ve learnt
that you won’t go
if you’re asked,
I’ve tried being polite,
I’ve tried casting spells
or blasting you with a couple of good days
till I’m screaming at you to fuck off
and it’s me that’s got the headache.
Because I’m screaming at me,
your presence is me,
you come from me,
you’re the parts of me
I’ve decided are too painful
to be part of me
because I don’t want you
in here [mind] feeding this [heart].
But whilst you’re still my enemy
we’re all starving of something
so maybe it’s time I listened
to what you’ve got to say
and do something less predictable
and ask you to stay.
I’m not saying we’ll be friends here
this just isn’t worth the fight
and I might as well
get to know you
if you’re planning on popping in
through every hard time in my life.
And you’re pretty fucking persistent at that,
and maybe that’s something important,
like how I don’t give you enough credit
for still dropping by
and coming to see me
when no matter how hard you try
to pass a message onto me
all I do is my best
to ignore you,
I mean,
that’s a pretty shit job.
Look, I don’t think
I’ll get this right first time,
I’m still trying to come to terms
with the fact that you’re mine
and it’s pretty hard to face you
when all I’ve done is wanted you gone,
but in the spirit
of trying to love
every part of myself,
whilst I grab us a slice of cake
do you mind putting the kettle on?